Wow! What a Roller Coaster Ride – I think I’m gonna be sick ……. but I like it – can we go again??

Studying ETL401 has been an amazing journey for me – I can’t believe it’s only been 3 months! Previously, I had relieved as a TL intermittently and thought I had a pretty good idea of what the job entailed. I now realise that it is so much more than I ever imagined! Needless to say, my view of the role of the teacher librarian has changed dramatically.

In an early blog entry I acknowledged that my early ideas had merit, but I was also beginning to see that the role went much deeper. Even at that early stage, I noted being overwhelmed at what professional literature indicated I should be aspiring to. Purcell (2010), Herring (2007) and the ASLA standards (2004) were the first “wake up calls” to really get me thinking about my traditional views. It was encouraging to note that others were feeling the same way (see John Williams’ Forum Posting “Benchmark Reality Check” and responses).

Later Valenza (2010) blew me out of the water with her Manifesto for 21^st Century Librarians (see my Forum Posting 3 May “Valenza’s Manif-Uh-Oh”). How could one person ever achieve all of those things? Judy O’Connell reassured me that Valenza has a PhD and is a specialist in the field and that she would be the pinnacle of what we are trying to achieve. Once the shock and apprehension subsided, I read further forum and blog discussions and I realised that TLs should not try to be everything all of the time. Instead we should do our best to aspire to these benchmarks, prioritise and focus on the areas which we are confident and strong in. (See my Forum Post 18 March “Role of the TL” para 3). Leanne Sharpe’s “Collaborative Rubric” Post  was particularly useful in helping me to focus on my strengths and to identify areas for improvement.

The idea of being involved with the leadership within the school scared me at first. However it really makes sense that if we as TLs are going to prove ourselves and survive into the future it is essential for us to not only build a good relationship with our Principal, but to also assist them in providing staff with the knowledge, tools and strategies they need to effectively educate our students.

I always thought I knew what collaboration was. It turns out I had very little idea.  True collaboration, as opposed to cooperation or coordination (Todd 2008) is absolutely crucial if TLs and CTs are to provide quality, meaningful, useful programs. Previously however (yes, I’m ashamed to admit it …) I thought that having 2 trained teachers for 1 class of students was a bit of a waste of school resources. I now realise the foolishness of such logic and have done a complete turnaround with my thinking. As a recently-appointed “Non Instructional Time” (NIT) providing TL I struggle to find the time needed to converse with 12 CTs at my school. I have only a vague idea of what they are doing in their classrooms and feel isolated and stand-alonish in my efforts. Still, I will not be defeated!!  The comment made by the French Teacher (see blog entry para 6) is going to get shot down in flames and turned on its head before I am through with this year!! Valenza (2010), Buzzeo (2002), Haycock (2007), Montiel-Overall (2005 & 2008) and others have given me tools and ideas on how to address some of these collaborative issues. It may take some time and I am not expecting miracles overnight, but I am determined to get there by turning a virtually non-existent collaborative climate into productive, wonderful joint ventures.

“Information Literacy” was not a concept with which I was previously familiar. I have since been exposed to so much information that at times, like others, my head has been spinning! (see my Forum Post “info lit mania” 27 April). Having examined it from (almost) all angles, I am now confident that I have a grasp on what IL actually is, and am confident to promote a thorough understanding and school wide approach to teaching it in my school. I am also excited by and keen to experiment and get others to experiment with the inquiry based learning approach.

It has certainly been a wild and exciting rollercoaster ride – terrifying, thrilling, worrying – but one that I am so glad I had. They say that ignorance is bliss, and well, I certainly was ignorant and naïve, but am now excited and enthusiastic to see where I can take the role of the Teacher Librarian in my school.

Assignment 2 looms

This being my first ever experience of blogging, am feeling rather inadequate and like I probably should have posted more during my study of ETL401 than I have. Finding the time just to complete the readings, questions and assignments has been difficult, so I guess adding ramblings to my blog was always shoved to the lowest priority in the study box.

Due date for Assignment 2 is fast approaching, and I am amazed at the rollercoaster of emotions I have experienced while studying this subject. Apprehension, fear, confidence, shattered confidence, disbelief, utter devastation, intense anger, renewed determination, frustration, worry, stress, stress, stress, self belief, renewed vigour, hope, just to name a few. I certainly know I am alive, because I have experienced some really intense emotions over the past 3 months. Am still waiting and hoping for the other end of the spectrum - exaltation, joy, celebration and relief.

While stressful, the whole experience has certainly opened up my mind, and like many other students, am feeling a little foolish at the naive and view I had when originally starting out. Now the task is to try and articulate and accurately describe the transformation that has occurred in my thinking, and (this is the hard part) to try and describe why and how that happened.

Others have posted drafts of their Task C, but I am not confident to do so. I think I will continue to play with my synthesis "behind closed doors". It is very useful to look at the work of others, and there are a few key posters in the forums who post regularly, which the rest of us really appreciate. Perhaps further into my study, I will be one of those "key posters", but not just yet.

Back to the assignment.....

Tears & tantrums

Feeling depressed reading all the joyous and happy posts in the TL forum about how relieved and elated people are to have received their first assignment back and got the big "thumbs up". I'm really pleased for those people, and it's wonderful for them.

Unfortunately, I am not one of those people and instead of jumping for joy, I am holding my head in my hands wondering "Where the hell did I go wrong?"

You put so much effort into these things - many hours of drafting, deleting, redrafting, reading, reading, reading and then more drafting and editing, only to find out that "hey sorry - you suck!" How humiliating! While I did not really expect a Distinction, I was confident that I would pass this assignment and felt that I had covered the aspects reasonably well. How can you be marked satisfactory and receive a 15 out of 30?? And 14 references is apparently not enough!!! My God - how many hours of reading are we honestly expected to do? 14 references? That makes me really angry actually. This subject is meant to be 8 hours work per week - I'm sorry, I honestly don't think you could possibly complete all work in just 8 hours, that is absolutely ridiculous.

If I got that so wrong, what is the point of continuing? I may well put a similar amount of effort into Assignment number 2 (honestly, I can't give any more than that - juggling a job, a family and a life) only to be told that my best is not good enough.

It's a shitter actually, because I was just starting to feel like I was really getting somewhere in my TL job, which I have only just started this year. This whole experience leaves me wondering whether this is really what I should be doing.

I apologise to anyone who is actually reading this blog - I know it's full of self pity, poor me, poor me, poor me - but I need to express my frustration somehow and this is one avenue for doing that. Husband can only take so much.

Two paths to follow now - chuck the whole thing in and actually get my life back, have some time to do things other than study, work, kids (gee the more I think about that option the more attractive it is sounding OR take a deep breath, grit the teeth and give Ass 2 everything I've got - which may or may not be enough. Might have to sleep on that one. Or not sleep as has been the case recently.

Grumpy and frustrated, signing off......